


the lies we tell ourselves

by akiiteru



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, M/M, also nagisa's hella cute family, hints of makoharu but not too much, rei is a big dork baby, there's a lot of sadness im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-08 03:02:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1924266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akiiteru/pseuds/akiiteru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nagisa's life was split into two parts: the time before Rei, and the time after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gaku_chan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gaku_chan/gifts).



> and cause all we want is  
> to give our hearts to someone else  
> love that is everlasting  
> the kind of love Hollywood sells  
> and the happy ending  
> well, it's all we really ask  
> don't spend your life pretending  
> your happy end already passed  
>  
> 
> -Morning Parade, _Reality Dream_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [hannah](http://www.itori.tumblr.com) came up with the prompt for this fic while we were listening to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nqk0yIoxo2w&feature=kp) so you might want to listen to it before/while you read this

Nagisa didn't even remember why they broke up.

Maybe he was too pushy. Perhaps Rei just got sick of him. He couldn't recall, but he remembered the fight and he remembered storming out of Rei's room, trying not cry in front of him. 

That was during their last year of high school. After that, Rei went to some fancy-pants school in _Tokyo_ and Nagisa plodded through community college like he was on death row. 

Makoto and Haruka went to his school as well, and they shared a few classes, but Nagisa had always felt a sort of separation from the childhood friends. He found himself hanging out with them increasingly less often, until he felt practically like a stranger. By the time they graduated, the three former friends barely acknowledged each other.

Nagisa did talk to Rin from time to time, but all _he_ did was complain about his inner turmoil and Nagisa got rather tired of it. 

So he finished college in total solitude and started working as a secretary for a law firm. It was pretty much the opposite of what his goals for his life were; in fact he often thought to himself that his job would suit _Rei_ better. But it made money, so what could he do?

~ ~ ~

Nagisa burst out of the building where he (formerly) worked, clutching a piece of crumpled paper in his fist. Written on it was a short spiel about how his personality “wasn't well suited for a serious work environment” and “could be utilized more effectively elsewhere.” 

Pretty much “You suck at your job and you’re fired.”

Nagisa tried not to be bitter. Working at the law firm was suffocating, and he was actually considering quitting before the events of that day had happened.

Those “events” were Nagisa breaking down and crying in front of his boss, screaming at his coworker who was laughing at him from the hallway, then being fired right in front of said coworker. 

He was in the mood for sweets. Well, Nagisa was _always_ in the mood for sweets, but when he was sad it was like he couldn't possibly survive without them. His favorite place to eat, a large bakery just a few blocks from his former workplace, had been shut down temporarily for repairs, so he found himself wandering the streets for a good half hour before he found a suitable shop.

The sign above the door read “Port Town Cakes.” It was a small, brick building, nestled between an office and a laundromat. Despite its rather plain-looking appearance, it was hugely popular. A steady stream of people came in and out through the glass doors, mostly cheerful-looking young adults.

Nagisa deemed it satisfactory and walked inside.

Soft piano music drifted through the shop. It was small and warm, and the coziness of the interior made Nagisa feel relaxed. A chandelier hung from the center of the ceiling. A long, glass display case was in front of the counter, and inside it was a wide variety of pastries. 

The line for pastries was irritatingly long. Nagisa began tapping his foot loudly, staring daggers at the back of the head of the woman in line in front of him. He considered himself to be an easy-going guy most of the time, but his day had been terrible and the line was moving about an inch per minute, so he figured that his impatience was justified.

After what seemed like an eternity, the woman in front of him was walking away with a bag of eclairs and Nagisa could finally approach the counter.

He began pondering over what to buy. After a few moments, he decided on a red velvet cupcake with creamy white frosting and shreds of chocolate on top. He felt his mouth begin to water at the sight of it.

A deep voice interrupted Nagisa's thoughts. “Can I help you?”

Nagisa looked up to the source of the question and his stomach dropped. 

The man was tall, with neat blue hair and red-framed glasses perched on his thin nose. A sick expression crossed his face as he recognized Nagisa.

“Rei,” Nagisa choked out. He had never hated puberty as much as he did in that moment, because it had done fucking _wonders_ for Rei. His jaw was strong, and he looked more toned than he did in high school. All of the feelings that Nagisa thought he had forgotten came rushing back all at once.

Rei's face was bright red. “N-Nagisa, it’s been quite a while.” 

“Yeah,” Nagisa said quietly. Rei still had the ability to turn as red as a cherry tomato within seconds, apparently.

Rei was silent for a moment, then cleared his throat. “I should apologize. It was awful of me to avoid you for this long, and I’m sorry for that.”

Nagisa sighed, rubbing his temples. It was strange of Rei to say something so visceral, and he wondered just how much Rei had changed since they broke up.

“So, um, what do you want?” Rei asked, with a hint of discomfort. 

Nagisa shook himself out of his thoughts. “Oh. The red velvet cupcake, please.”

Rei picked the cupcake up with extreme caution, but still managed to almost drop it while he handed it to Nagisa. His hands were shaking violently as he took the payment. 

Nagisa felt a pang of pity, and then an overwhelming sense of affection hit him like a bullet train. He felt the urge to kiss Rei, or grab his hand, or show any sign that he had fallen hard for the guy all those years ago and it hadn't just gone away. But instead he turned around so fast he almost lost his balance and practically _ran_ out of the shop.

In his panic, Nagisa took out his cell phone and called the first person he could think of.

It rang twice, then a harsh voice answered. “What?”

Nagisa tried to keep his breathing under control. “Rin, you won’t believe who I just ran into.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I made a fanmix somewhat-inspired by this fic, please give it a listen! http://8tracks.com/drowningmegane/i-ve-got-this-thing-for-you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i really like nagisa swearing when he's mad and also rin is a sweetie in this chapter because he needs more love
> 
> when am i gonna stop torturing myself with these angst fics

Nagisa got to Rin’s house fifteen minutes later. He couldn't even calm himself down enough to ring the doorbell, but luckily Rin was expecting him and opened the door.

By the time he was sitting down on the couch, Nagisa's eyes were dripping tears (despite his valiant effort to stay composed). The cupcake was still clutched in his hands, resting on his lap. 

Rin sat down slowly beside Nagisa. "So, you saw Rei _where_ , again?"

"Sweets shop," Nagisa spat, frustrated.

"I thought he lived in Tokyo, though," Rin replied, giving Nagisa a confused look.

Nagisa sighed and leaned against the back of the couch. "Apparently not anymore."

"So, why are you so upset?" Rin asked dumbly.

"Cause I _loved him_ ," Nagisa said bitterly. "And I got to know him, everything about him, and now we’re fucking _strangers_ and he was shaking-"

Nagisa made a strangled sound that was somewhere between a groan of frustration and a sob. "I hurt him. We hurt each other. I don’t remember why, but he apologized and he looked more scared than I was and I didn't even consider what he felt, all these years, can you believe it? I didn't stop to think how he felt and I just ignored him."

Rin was silent. 

Nagisa's voice was small and shaky. "Are you gonna say anything?"

Before he could say anything else, Nagisa felt Rin's arms wrap tightly around his shoulders. He let out a sigh and sagged against Rin, letting the stress of the day melt in the warmth of the hug. 

"I guess I’m not over him," Nagisa muttered.

Rin nodded in understanding. "That's okay. You don't have to force yourself to forget about him. Now, hurry up and eat that cupcake because it looks really delicious and I'm very tempted to take it from you."

Nagisa laughed. "You can have half, if you want."

 

 

Nagisa ended up staying for a few hours. He and Rin watched a crappy romcom and ate ice cream until their stomachs hurt, and Nagisa felt like a teenager again. He forgot how comforting close friends could be, since he had been depending on himself since high school ended. It almost made up for the empty feeling in the pit of his stomach that Rei had left. _Almost._

Despite the emptiness, he made the long journey home feeling light-hearted. He made it to his apartment before dusk, but was too tired and full of ice cream to bother making dinner. Instead, he went straight to his bedroom closet and took out a cardboard box, covered in stickers and worn with age.

He sat down on the floor and took the lid of the box off. It was filled with photos and letters, all thrown together and disorganized (like the rest of Nagisa's belongings). On the top of the pile was the picture of the Iwatobi team (and Rin) after they had won the relay. Nagisa's eyes immediately went to Rei, and he felt a little sick. The picture was taken just minutes before Rei had confessed to liking him and they started dating. Nagisa tossed the photo aside and kept rooting through the box. Next was his career path survey from his second year of high school. “Penguin keeper, treasure hunter, or tour guide!” was written in his bubbly handwriting. He rolled his eyes at his naïve past self.

The deeper into the box he dug, the more his chest started to hurt. There was a photo from his first date with Rei, at the local aquarium. Rei had gotten him a gigantic penguin plushie almost as tall as he was. That day was also when they had their first kiss. It was quick, and Rei blushed and apologized the second it was over, but it was enjoyable nonetheless and Nagisa had kissed him _at least_ five more times throughout the date.

Under that was his middle school diploma, an assortment of odd keychains, a 3rd place ribbon from an elementary school swim meet, and a jumble of photos ranging from him as a baby to the pictures that were taken at the training camp with his high school swim teammates. Yet again, the first thing he looked at in each one was Rei.

Near the bottom of the box, there was a letter. Nagisa recognized Rei's small, neat handwriting immediately. 

_"Dear Nagisa,_

_I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get my feelings across if I told you this face-to-face, so I thought that I would write you a letter instead. This is not my preferred method of communication, but I might be able to be clearer with you through writing._

_I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for what happened last night. I should not have gotten frustrated with you, and it was very immature of me to tell you to leave. I still have feelings for you. I want us to be together, no matter what I said when I was upset. If you want this to be over, then I will respect your wishes and stop contacting you. I do not, however, want you to think that I will forget about you easily. Please consider giving me your forgiveness._

_-Rei"_

 

Written on the back of the letter were the lyrics to a song that Nagisa hadn't heard in years. Seeing them again made it feel like a spike was being driven into his heart, but he read them anyway. Possibly as punishment to himself.

He began humming the tune as he read each line carefully, like he would never see them again.

_"I'm turning myself in, I've been a jealous friend_

_feels like I'm always sinking_

_just like you used to say, it all may be okay_

_but now I'm lost and thinking_

_maybe you got to my head"_

He read the letter and the song five times over. He felt oddly relieved, like the emotions he suppressed for years had finally been released. It was a small thing, and he knew in the back of his mind that it hurt him more than he let on, but it was something.

"Small victories are better than none," he muttered aloud.

He chuckled. That sounded like something his old swim club advisor would say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw the song is _got to my head_ by waters


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rei doesn't actually show up in this chapter but he's mentioned and this is kind of an establishing chapter so whatever
> 
> there's also one OC (nagisa's niece) and she's super cute okay i love nagisa's family
> 
> also makoto is a special guest wow

Nagisa woke up the next morning to the shrill beeping of his cell phone, which was on his dresser across the room. He slid out of bed, yawning loudly, and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

His voice was groggy, and he was sure that he sounded as bad as he felt.

“Hi, Nagisa!” A loud, cheerful voice came from the other end. He recognized it immediately as his eldest sister, Nanako. 

“Oh, hi,” Nagisa replied, a bit suspicious. Almost every time his sisters called him, it was because they needed a favor.

“Would you mind picking Sachiko up from school today? I’m about to go to a meeting that won’t end until 2, and my husband doesn’t get home until 5. I already called Mom, but she can’t drive because she lost her glasses. Could you help me out, please?”

Nagisa couldn’t say no. Sachiko, Nanako’s 5-year-old daughter, went to the kindergarten a few blocks over from Nagisa’s apartment, and it was the most convenient thing for him to pick her up instead of any of his other sisters (who lived farther away). 

“All right, I’ll do it,” he sighed. “How much time do I have?”

“About half an hour,” Nanako responded brightly. “Thank you so much for the help!”

_Shit_. Nagisa hadn’t realized how late he had slept in. The kindergarten class let out at 1:30, and there was barely enough time for him to get ready before he had to leave.

“Just drop Sachi off at Mom and Dad’s, and I’ll pick her up there,” Nanako added. 

Nagisa’s parents were a kind, aging couple with too much money and too much spare time. His mother made chicken noodle soup almost every day and gave it to the homeless shelter a few towns over. She was also a baking fanatic, and was always giving Nagisa cakes and pies on even the smallest of occasions. It wasn’t really helping with Nagisa’s already-unhealthy diet. 

Despite their sweet-old-people nature, Nagisa’s parents were also very strict and expected the best of their children and grandchildren. They were constantly asking Nagisa when he would get around to marrying a “nice local girl” and having kids, stubbornly oblivious to the fact that he was gay (even after they saw him kissing Rei back in high school). 

Nagisa said goodbye to his sister and hung up the phone, rushing to gather suitable clothes and get the shower running. 

\- - -

Right before he left, Nagisa remembered that Sachiko needed to ride in a car seat. Of course, he didn’t have one, so he ended up begging the woman across the hall (she had six kids and one of them was _always_ crying at some obscene hour of the morning) to let him borrow one.

Even with that slight setback, Nagisa made it to the kindergarten on time.

It was a small, brick building, with a brightly-painted playground behind it. Nagisa walked inside and greeted the tired-looking woman working behind the front desk. 

“I’m Hazuki Nagisa, Sachiko’s uncle. Do you know what room she’s in?”

The woman smiled in recognition. “She’s in 2-B.”

“Thanks!” Nagisa waved and made his way towards Sachiko’s classroom. 

The door to 2-B was covered in colorful crayon drawings and notes written by the kindergartners. Nagisa knocked quietly, and the door was opened almost immediately.

He was met by a shockingly tall man in a bright blue “Tokyo Daigaku” sweatshirt. Nagisa had to tilt his head back just to make eye contact, and when he did his jaw dropped.

“Makoto?”

The other man’s green eyes widened. “ _Nagisa_?! What are you doing here?”

“I’m here for Sachiko,” Nagisa spluttered. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“Uh, I’m the teacher,” Makoto replied. 

Nagisa just stood in shock, staring at his former friend. Makoto had grown _at least_ half a foot since high school, and he was wearing black-rimmed glasses, but otherwise he looked exactly the same.

The silence was broken by a small voice calling out “Uncle Nagisa!” from inside the classroom. Sachiko came running, pushing past Makoto and hugging Nagisa tightly around his legs. 

Nagisa smiled and ruffled her mess of blonde hair. “Hey, Sachi.”

Makoto made a small, shocked sound. “You’re Sachi’s uncle? I had no idea!”

Nagisa shrugged and nodded. “My sister couldn’t be here today, so I came instead.”

“It’s been quite a while since we last talked,” Makoto said, sounding a bit uncomfortable. He wasn’t meeting Nagisa’s eyes, and Nagisa figured that he felt guilty for staying out of touch for so long. It was _just like_ Makoto to feel bad about something he wasn’t even responsible for.

“How’s Haru?” Nagisa asked, quickly changing the subject. 

Makoto’s expression softened. “He’s doing great. He made it to the Olympic trials.”

“Wow,” Nagisa breathed. “So, you two are still close?”

Makoto shrugged, smiling. “We live together.“

Sachiko interrupted the conversation by tugging at Nagisa’s hand. “Can we goooooo?” 

Makoto laughed softly at her impatience. “I won’t keep you any longer, then. Say hello to your sister for me, and tell her that Sachi behaved very well in class today.”

That made Sachiko grin widely. 

“Can do,” Nagisa affirmed. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

He waved goodbye, practically being _dragged_ down the hallway by an overly excited Sachiko. Makoto looked like he wanted to say something else, but he just shook his head and waved back.

Sachi dragged Nagisa all the way out of the building, and he was out of breath by the time they reached the car. Hurriedly, he buckled Sachiko into her car seat and took off towards his parents’. 

On the way, he stopped by the candy store that he frequented and got Sachiko a chocolate bar. Nagisa wouldn’t admit it, but he really couldn’t help but spoil his niece.

“Don’t tell your grandmother,” he teased as he gave it to her. 

Sachi giggled. “I won’t!”

They got to Nagisa’s parents’ house a little while later. It was a huge, sprawling place, with ornate gardens around it and a cobblestone driveway. Nagisa disliked the house, since he was always paranoid that he’d break a vase or get dirt on the pristine furniture. 

Nagisa’s mother was waiting outside when they got to the end of the driveway. She had a bright pink apron on over her yellow blouse and white, cotton skirt. Her grey hair was pulled into a tight bun. She smiled warmly as Nagisa got Sachiko out of her car seat, and swooped her granddaughter up into a warm hug the second her feet touched the driveway.

“Thank you for helping out,” Nagisa’s mother said after putting Sachi back down. “Do you want to come in for some tea?”

Nagisa politely declined. He was far too tired to deal with his mother’s questions, and her tea was usually too bitter for him anyway. Sachiko looked a bit disappointed, but her frown disappeared at the promise of cookies once they got inside. 

Nagisa waved goodbye to his family and got back into the car. It had been a tiring day for him (despite the fact that he’d only been awake for an hour and a half), and he was ready to go home and eat a late lunch in front of the TV. Maybe he'd text Rin and see if he had Makoto’s phone number. Even if it was just polite, awkward conversation like it had been earlier, Nagisa wanted to catch up with what Makoto had been doing for the past few years. It would be rude to act like nothing happened and avoid all contact. 

For a split second, Nagisa considered contacting Rei, too. The sick feeling in his stomach confirmed that it was a _terrible_ idea.

Still, it was tempting, and he couldn’t help but wish that Rei had the same feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my tumblr: akiiteru.tumblr.com
> 
> send me questions/comments/critiques/just talk to me


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while! This chapter was a little longer than I intended it to be, but w/e ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

It had been a week since Nagisa ran into Rei at the bakery. 

He’d been job searching since then, but nothing he could find seemed to be the right fit for him. He’d checked store windows, advertisements, and the local paper, all with no luck.

That particular afternoon, Nagisa had finally sat down to read the newspaper he’d bought at the grocery store a few days earlier. He was skimming through, hoping for anything of interest, when something caught his eye. 

_“Port Town Cakes is now hiring. Inquire during store hours at our Iwatobi location across the street from the post office.”_

Just seeing it made his chest tighten. The universe seemed to be dead-set on making his life as difficult as possible, apparently.

Nagisa folded the paper in half and tossed it onto the counter. It was turning out to be a very boring day. Nagisa considered calling one of his college friends, but they were all rather uninteresting and he didn’t feel like explaining why he wasn’t at work at four p.m. on a Friday (the only person besides his ex-coworkers and his family that knew he’d been fired was Rin). 

Nagisa sighed in defeat. He’d experienced nothing but bad luck for the past week, and his future wasn’t looking too bright. He had barely enough to pay the coming month’s rent with the money his mother (reluctantly) lent him. 

He needed a drink. Nagisa didn’t drink very often, and when he did it was usually to relieve stress and let loose a bit. That was definitely something that could help him after the events of the last week.

Nagisa didn’t like drinking alone, and there was only one person he was willing to interact with at that moment.

So he called Rin. They decided to meet at eight-thirty at the train station near Nagisa’s apartment. Rin hadn’t asked too many questions. It was a huge relief, since Nagisa wasn’t in the mood to explain why he was inviting Rin to drinks when during college, all he did was complain that alcohol was overrated and made people act like idiots.

Rin showed up at the station first, at exactly eight-thirty, and Nagisa arrived shortly after. 

“Where do you wanna go?” Nagisa asked after greeting Rin.

“I dunno,” Rin said, shrugging. “I just want to get wasted. Doesn’t matter where.”

Nagisa frowned. “Did something happen?”

“Work is stressful,” Rin replied. His answer seemed a bit vague to Nagisa, and he wondered if something else was going on.

They ended up deciding on a small-ish bar about twenty minutes from the station. Nagisa didn’t recognize the name when Rin suggested it, but upon arriving, he realized that he had visited the bar with a group of his friends in college. He had stayed in the corner with Makoto and Haruka for almost the whole night, completely sober (which ended up being a mistake, since it wasn’t exactly a night he wanted to remember as clearly as he did). 

Rin and Nagisa made their way to the bar, navigating through the crowds. The bartender was a cheerful man around Nagisa’s age with bright red hair and a green bowtie. He greeted them with a grin.

Nagisa ordered a whiskey highball, and Rin (after spending nearly five full minutes deciding) got a vodka soda.

“So, do you care to elaborate about your work stress?” Nagisa asked after both of them had received their drinks.

Rin took a swig of his drink before replying. “My boss is an asshole. My coworkers are… _difficult_. The only one I actually like is Sousuke, and he’s-“

He stopped abruptly and cleared his throat. “He’s complicated.”

Nagisa had no idea what to say. Rin had talked about Sousuke like that a few times before, but he never elaborated much and it was basically impossible to get him to say something that he didn’t want to disclose.

The music in the bar was a bit distracting, making Nagisa’s mind wander off of his conversation. He tried to think of a job that was both enjoyable and well-paying. He gave up quickly on that, and instead tried to convince himself that he’d find a good job if he just stopped stressing about it so much. Another load of bullshit.

Rin gasped loudly, bringing Nagisa’s thoughts back to the present.

“Nagisa, _oh my god_ ,” Rin hissed, pointing towards the entrance of the bar. “ _Look._ ”

Nagisa turned, confused, to see what Rin was so excited about. He scanned the crowd for anything out of the ordinary. His heart nearly stopped when he saw a flash of blue hair by the door.

“Fuck,” he muttered.

Rei was making his way through the crowd, looking almost furtive. His presence was rather strange, since he had never seemed like the type to enjoy drinking. He hadn’t seen Nagisa yet, luckily, but he was getting increasingly closer to the bar.

Nagisa lowered his head and turned back to face Rin. “What is he doing here?”

“That’s something I should be asking _you_ ,” Rin whispered back. 

When Nagisa dared turn his head around again, Rei was sitting at the bar just a few feet away. He was staring straight ahead, making Nagisa feel rather uneasy. 

“What do I do?” he asked Rin frantically. All he got in reply was a shrug.

Rei was resting his head in his hands, looking completely drained. When the bartender approached him, he ordered a _chuuhai_ in a barely-audible voice.

Nagisa took a long sip of whiskey. Rei remained completely oblivious to his presence, which was more unnerving than it was relieving. He took another sip of his drink, then set his glass down a little too firmly. The loud _clink_ startled Rei into looking over.

The color drained from Rei’s face. His eyes flicked back-and-forth between Nagisa and Rin, who had gone motionless with his drink almost at his lips. Before anyone could say anything to break the silence, the bartender returned and placed Rei’s drink in front of him. He smiled expectantly, waiting for a “thank you” or _any_ sign of recognition, but eventually he sensed the tension and scurried off to tend to more customers. 

Rin was the one to speak first. “I’m gonna leave you guys to it,” he muttered, standing up and wandering off to another section of the bar. 

With that, the tension dissolved, and Rei and Nagisa broke eye contact. Rei lifted his drink and took a large gulp of it. He made a face as he swallowed.

“I forgot how much I hate lemons,” he said softly. 

Before he could stop himself, Nagisa started laughing. It was a loud, hysterical kind of laughter that bordered on crying, and once it started he couldn’t stop it. Rei looked somewhat offended.

Eventually, Nagisa’s laughter broke off. He stared at Rei’s face; his wide, frightened eyes and his downturned mouth, lips wobbling like he was going to start crying. It felt like a swift stab to the heart.

“Why are you here, anyway?” he asked abruptly, and cringed at Rei’s resulting expression.

Rei gulped. “Trying to get my mind off of some things,” he said quietly like he was ashamed. He drained the rest of his drink, looking pained. He coughed loudly after swallowing the last of it.

Nagisa tried to think of something, _anything_ , to say to improve the mood of their conversation, but he drew a blank. Rei wasn’t making any attempt to ease the awkwardness. He just reluctantly ordered another chuuhai and refused to make eye contact with Nagisa. It was then, while Nagisa had the chance to observe the man sitting beside him, that he realized what was making him so uncomfortable.

Rei was disheveled. His hair was messy, not noticeably to the general public, but certainly obvious to someone who knew him well. A piece of his bangs had fallen onto his forehead and he was making no effort to brush it away. There were dark circles under his eyes. The top two buttons of his grey dress shirt were undone, and his collar was creased unevenly in the back. 

Nagisa felt sick to his stomach. Rei had always been so pristine when it came to his appearance, even back when he and Nagisa were dating and they were just sitting around the house all day. 

Now he was allowing his unkempt self be seen out in public, in a _crowded bar_ no less. Had he stopped caring that much? Had _Nagisa_ made him stop caring?

Nagisa gulped down the rest of his drink too fast, making his throat burn and his eyes tear up. He looked to the back of the bar to see if he could find Rin, but he wasn’t visible among the throngs of dancing people.

When he turned back, Rei was finishing what must have been his third drink of the night. His usually pale face and neck were splotched with red. He turned to look at Nagisa, his eyes focusing and unfocusing in the dim light. Nagisa was far from drunk, but tipsy enough to blush at the eye contact.

Two drinks and twenty minutes later, Nagisa was definitely feeling closer to drunk than sober and Rei was unquestionably inebriated. Somehow they had traveled from the bar to the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by obnoxious college students and their uncomfortable sober friends. 

The song blasting through the speakers had a pulsating beat and was far too optimistic for the way Nagisa was feeling. He watched Rei carefully. He wasn’t really dancing, just letting his hips sway ever-so-slightly and tapping his foot with every throb of the music. All the tension in his shoulders, for the first time since that day at the bakery, was gone. It made him seem vulnerable.

Nagisa felt a lot more comfortable than he did when Rei first showed up, but he was still on edge. Something about his former boyfriend was definitely off.

Rin suddenly appeared at Nagisa’s side, startling him.

“ _There_ you are,” he announced. “I was looking for you.”

He was about as drunk as Nagisa was. Mostly functional, but would definitely feel it the next morning. “I can’t believe you ditched me.”

Nagisa apologized, but it wasn’t audible above the loud music. Rei had tensed up again, and was watching Rin warily.

Rin patted Nagisa on the shoulder. “Good luck with him. I’m gonna scram. The last train is leaving in twenty minutes, so you might want to think about leaving, too.”

“Shit,” Nagisa cursed. “It’s almost midnight already?”

Rin shrugged. “According to my watch, which is analog and the numbers are tiny so I may have read it wrong.” 

He squinted at his wrist. “Nah, I was right.”

He narrowed his eyebrows and looked at Nagisa for a few moments. 

“You okay?”

Nagisa was surprised by the question, and took a second to reply. “Yeah. Totally.”

“See you around, then,” Rin said, without changing his concerned expression. He squeezed between two twenty-somethings that had been dancing uncomfortably close for most of the night and made it out of the bar. Nagisa watched him go, unsure of what to do.

Rei was standing stock-still.

“Are you _really_ okay?” he asked in a small voice. 

He sounded confused. His eyes were wide and he looked about three years younger than he did at the bakery, which only made Nagisa’s chest hurt more.

Before he really knew what was happening, he had his arms wrapped around Rei’s shoulders and his head beneath Rei’s chin. The warmth surprised him.

Rei’s arms remained limp at his sides. He seemed shocked more than anything else, just letting Nagisa lean against his chest. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled against Rei’s shoulder.

“Nagisa, don’t,” Rei pleaded, seeming somewhat half-hearted.

Nagisa just hugged him tighter. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

Finally, Rei sighed in defeat and lifted his arms, wrapping them lightly around Nagisa’s waist. 

“I’m sorry, too,” he replied. It was so quiet, Nagisa was unsure if he even heard it or if it was just what he wanted to hear.

At that point, the bar had mostly emptied out. The only remaining patrons were a very drunk man half-asleep at the bar, a couple making out by the exit, and a group of young women still dancing in the corner. Nagisa forced himself to let go of Rei to check the time on his phone. It was 11:50, giving them just ten minutes to get to the train station (which was a five-minute walk from the bar).

Rei hiccuped. "It seems that I’m rather intoxicated," he muttered, sounding embarrassed.

Nagisa sighed. "How were you expecting to get home? It’s not safe for you to ride the train alone in your current state."

Rei shrugged, defeated. "I wasn't considering the consequences of my actions, I suppose."

"My apartment is a short ride from here," Nagisa suggested. It was something he never would have considered while sober, but in that moment all he cared about was making sure that Rei was okay. He could stand some awkwardness for that. 

Rei shook his head. “I can’t stand to be a bother.”

“I can’t let you ride the train home on your own,” Nagisa argued.

Rei didn’t respond.

“Can you throw away your pride for _one second_ and let me be worried about you?” Nagisa snapped, a lot louder than he meant to. He regretted his words the second he saw Rei’s face fall. One of the dancing women turned to look at the two men, a concerned look in her eyes. 

Rei lurched forward without warning, startling Nagisa. “We should go.”

Nagisa nodded and followed him to the exit, still shaken up. They started walking down the dark streets toward the station. The widely-spaced street lights didn’t provide enough illumination for Nagisa to get a good look at Rei. He was worried, about the alcohol and Rei’s disheveled appearance and his lack of energy. But he couldn’t make himself voice his concerns.

The train ride to Nagisa’s apartment seemed to take twice the time it really did. Rei was half-asleep for most of the ride, head lolling to the side and eyes closed. Nagisa had to give him a gentle nudge on the shoulder when they reached their stop. 

It was a silent walk from the station to the apartment. Rei followed a few feet behind Nagisa up the stairs, down the hall, and into Nagisa’s residence. It seemed that Rei was rather unimpressed by the simplicity of the place, but Nagisa couldn’t be sure. 

Nagisa dragged his feet to the bathroom and forced himself to brush his teeth, despite being exhausted. Looking in the mirror, he realized how much of a mess he was. His hair was sticking out at odd angles. His eyes were red-rimmed and he was squinting, even in the dim light. He scrubbed his teeth vigorously to get rid of the reek of alcohol, and spit angrily into the sink, disappointed in himself and his actions. 

He left the bathroom to find Rei fast asleep on the couch. His glasses and shoes were still on, prompting Nagisa to roll his eyes. He leaned over and removed Rei's glasses first, folding them and placing them gently on the coffee table. Then he carefully took off each shoe. Rei stirred a bit, but didn't wake up.

Nagisa’s phone buzzed from his pocket, making him jump. He fished it out and squinted at the screen. It was a text from Rin, reading: _RIN-RIN [12:31 a.m.]: ”Hey, did you get home safe? And Rei?”_

Nagisa typed out a reply.

_NAGISA [12:32 a.m.]: ”Yes. I’m sorry tonight turned out to be kind of a disaster. I had a lot of things pent-up.”_

Rin was quick to respond. _RIN-RIN [12:32 a.m.]: ”It’s totally fine. It was nice to see you.”_

Nagisa wrote a reply and sent it after a few moments of pondering. 

_NAGISA [12:33 a.m.]: “Also, Rei is staying overnight at my apartment.”_

_RIN-RIN [12:33 a.m.]: ”WHAT???”_

Nagisa cringed. His message was a lot more abrupt than he had meant it to be.

_NAGISA [12:34 a.m.]: ”We’re not sleeping together or anything! He was pretty out of it so I decided to help him out. Things are weird between us, but I’m not a_ completely _terrible person.”_

_RIN-RIN [12:34 a.m.]: “Terrible person? You’re a fucking saint! Is he awake right now? Because he needs to thank you no less than a hundred times for taking care of his drunk ass even though you didn’t even want to see him tonight._

_NAGISA [12:34 a.m.]: “Nah, he’s asleep on my couch.”_

_RIN-RIN [12:35 a.m.]: “He’d better do it when he wakes up, then.”_

_NAGISA [12:35 a.m.]: “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’ll talk to you later, okay? We both need to sleep.”_

_RIN-RIN [12:36 a.m.]: “Okay. ‘Night.”_

Nagisa put his phone on top of his dresser and slipped his shorts and shirt off, tossing them on the floor (he’d pick them up the next morning, he decided). In just his penguin-printed boxers, he climbed into bed and was out like a light before any of the day’s events could catch up to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that was playing when Rei and Nagisa were dancing is [this one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKm4yqvh4xQ) because it's been stuck in my head for ages
> 
> Comments appreciated!!


End file.
